And now has frustrated, misdirected vulva envy made me a felon? Maybe yes.

[Taken from KCRG News Report]
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Iowa City Man Accused of Vandalizing Cemetery

IOWA CITY, Iowa - Crews at Iowa City’s Oakland Cemetery have spent nearly 50 man hours cleaning up vandalism to fences, signs and buildings after police say a 34-year-old Iowa City man repeatedly defaced the property.

Areli Jamal River was arrested Wednesday night on suspicion of second-degree criminal mischief, a felony, after staff members caught him writing with black marker on fences, garage doors and other property at the cemetery, 1000 Brown St., according to a criminal complaint.

Cemetery Superintendent Bob Deatsch told KCRG the vandalism began March 19 with “really goofy” scribbling that included smiley faces and the word “vulva” paired with diagrams. The vandal returned night after night and wrote antagonizing phrases like, “I don’t lose,” and “Keep going,” Deatsch said.

“And he drew faces on everything,” he said.

Deatsch said the suspect didn’t mar any head stones, but he hit the gazebo in the deeded body area. That, along with some permanent damage to the cemetery’s garage doors, was among the hardest to remove.

“The worst thing he did was draw on the gazebo,” Deatsch said. “I’m just glad he left the head stones alone.”

The suspect returned nearly every night, and Deatsch said he started staying at the cemetery to try and catch him. Wednesday night, Deatsch said he saw the man writing, “Play fair” on a building and followed him to his home at 1440 Prairie du Chien Road.

“I just walked up behind him and asked him why he was tearing up the cemetery,” Deatsch said. “He didn’t have an excuse.”

Deatsch called the police, and he said River admitted to everything – although his motive remains unclear.

“He said he couldn’t explain it,” Deatsch said.

The estimated cost to clean up and restore the property is $1,200, according to police.

Deatsch said he’s never seen this type of persistent vandalism at the cemetery before, and he said there’s nothing they can do to prevent vandals in the future.

“I can’t be here to babysit every night,” he said.

River was released from the Johnson County Jail on Thursday morning.

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The article's fairly accurate, it's actually the best piece of journalism I've seen written about myself to date. That's probably do partly to the fact that I wasn't interviewed... I hate talking to journalists so much. They did still manage to misquote me (my graffiti) at least once though, I'm quite positive I never wrote "I don't lose." I'm very familiar with losing.

What's BEST!?...

Several years ago on a call-in TV show I heard a woman ask the two hosts: what's the best thing about being a guy? Both of them had the same immediate response: peeing standing up. She was unimpressed. "That's it?" They both remained more than satisfied with their answer. At the time, and for a long time after, that was in the back of my head as my own default answer, should that question ever arise. Best thing about being a fella? Peeing standing up.

Now, I'm starting to rethink even this most basic of male-perks! I started to become thoroughly repulsed by the inevitable ring of sticky floor-pee surrounding every man-accessible toilet, including the one in my home. So I decided to just go ahead & start sitting down unless I was outdoors or at a urinal. It's been a couple months now, and I have to say, I've actually gotten so I prefer it! Not only does it eliminate vulgar floor/shoe/pant-leg pee splatter, I find it much more relaxing. I think my bladder appreciates it: being in a relaxed, resting position so it can just... ledditallgo!!!! (I'm still not a huge fan of putting my butt on shared toilets, but what ya gonna do...)

Anyway, bottom line-- my easy, default answer to best-man-skill just doesn't seem to ring so true anymore. I'm going to have to rethink my whole world view!!! Good, I was getting bored of it again anyway.

Yours in everlasting vulva envy,
J-Mall

Blue-biter hound-ridge

Woah! I hain't updated this "blog" in over a year??? Thass weak, mang, weak. One entry and then --pthbt-- no thing. Weak.

So, the other night I was watching the allegedly leftist comedic news program known as "The Daily Show" and Mr. Jon Stewart made a joke that pissed me off. Too bad I can't remember the context, it would make for a way better story. A marginally better story, at least. Well anyway, Stewart is pretending to be some politician or other yelling at President-Elect Obama & he goes, "I'll make you the 1st FEMALE president!" Not a new joke, not a clever joke, just a tired old insidious bit of sexism I find particularly repugnant. How many times and in how many ways do I have to hear people pretend that the violent removal of a man's peener & balls turns him into a woman? The whole basic pretense that "the difference between a man & a woman is that a man has a penis & a woman doesn't" makes me want to puke. Ignorant, phallocentric rat-bastards.

Ever since I was a little kid in elementary school, I remember having 2 very contradictory notions about female genitalia pounded into my head. a)Girls don't have a penis or balls, only boys do, end of story, nothing more to say. b)Girls have genitals but they're not okay to talk about. Maybe you can mention a baby passing through a vagina during birth, but that's all. No talk of labia, no mention of the world "vulva," certainly no illustrations to clue a body in. You know I had no idea what a vulva actually looked like til I got my hands on a Penthouse in Jr. High?

OK OK OK. So if you chop off a dude's donger, does he suddenly, magically grow a womb, breasts & a vulva? No no no no. Not! So what makes "him" a "her" then, Quiz Kid? Only your tiny, useless mind, you sexist piece-o-turd.!!! Sheesh. Vulva power, chump. Eat a booger, Jon Stewart.

Vulva Envy! Station to Station, Across the Nation!

So of course this kind of website would need to exist...

So why aren't such smeared across these mighty mess of innterwebbs???

So ok i'll have to start one myself.!?

So ok for now to save time I'll just copy and paste from the facebook group of the same name. (I'll try to expand as time and inspiration allow.)

(so)

So: why for is penis envy all the rage and vulva envy is an unheard of phenomenon? S'like, shit, dude: the external portion of the clitoris alone, the tip of the iceberg, as it were, has more nerve endings packed in there than does the entire external portion of the penis! In the words of some guy on facebook, "a man's orgasm is a firecracker compared to the large explosions that make up the multi-orgasmic woman's satisfaction derived from an orgasmic vulva." Yeah I know, right dude? Cool!*

Which brings us directly to: whispered secrets of the female orgasm -- hushed stories that speak of the multiple, the prolonged, the and/or/all-of-the-above/virtually-UNLIMITED sessions of vulvic-orGASM!!! Fuckin eh, mang, who WOULDN'T want somefin what could do that? So compact and portable, and so perfectly designed for those marathon-length bouts of sexual pleasurings (alone or with a friend)!

[...Of course, it would indeed seem that all manner of insidious (mostly patriarchally induced) shames, inhibitions and whatevers have quite effectively hindered a ton-load of vulva-owners from achieving anything approaching such climactic ends (which in and of itself is TOTALLY an unspeakable crime against nature and anything vaguely resembling God, yeah?!) ...but you can't blame the vulva for that...]

ANYways, the gist of der gist ist : for some reasons, nobody wants to admit it, but those vulvae are great!!! Most all-time under-hyped human sex organ of all time, far and away (coming in miles ahead of the "penis", aka "most all-time over-hyped human sex organ of all time").

The world's dick-fetish is so passe. Viva la Vulva, yo! Wish we could all have one!

*Quote taken from the "Those who know the difference between a vulva and a vagina" wall.